Oct 20, 2010

Are you still mad? Part I


'This is a reflectional post, the song Are you still mad - Alanis Morissette has no video or story. so i gave it one'
in no way shape or form is this my own, (maybe a lil ^_*) carry on - enjoy and lemme know what u think.

I sat and waited, waited for him to return. True he hasn’t been back for what seemed like a few days but in reality they’re 3 years. I thought of everything I would say, I carefully studied every plan A, B or C I would use according to his answers, glares or even him walking away from me.

He’s probably still mad at me, still can’t stand to look at me, but in all honesty I had a good excuse for doing all of what I did, didn’t do, say or didn’t say. But for the peace of mind and sanity of my own conscious being I need to ask, I need to know what is it that made him leave.

The scenario of him walking in and agreeing to listen to me flirted with my brain and teased my thoughts, except I knew it wouldn’t be this easy. But I humor myself sometimes. So I will start.

I start by asking: are you still mad I kicked you out of my bed? Naturally, you didn’t know I loved seeing you every morning; the problem was it was literally EVERY morning. And I had no space, no not the drawers filled with your belongings or your clothes draping the chair in my bedroom, it wasn’t even the mixed laundry. It was my own space that I lost. We weren’t living together but it felt like we were, and like you filled every corner of my house and my mind. I don’t know if I was ready back then, but now, now I crave your shadow on my couch.

Are you still mad I gave you ultimatums? I needed to lay down some ground rules, or I would’ve lost myself and ultimately lost you. Who am I if I couldn’t stand up for something I believed in. back then I wouldn’t compromise, it was just too much to ask of myself. It always seemed like a sacrifice, but now compromise doesn’t seem so difficult.

Are you still mad I compared you to all my forty year old male friends? Well I know how that can be agitating. But looking at the big picture they are highly praised amongst their peers and one day I wanted to walk in to a room full of people who would look up to you and having you be delightfully praised. I cared about what people thought back then, but now, now I care what you think, it’s a daily ritual I want back in my life.

Are you still mad I shared our problems with everybody? The thing about being a girl living in a community of men, and surrounded by the vast amount of testosterone all the time, is you never get the chance to be taught how to react to certain things or how to behave. I needed the kind of advice you get from your friends, parents, neighbors and not some book. Relationships for dummies didn’t quite come in handy when I found a new dilemma or challenge. That’s why I had to discuss intimate details back then, but now, now can WE talk them over?

Are you still mad.. to be continued